Love is usually described as an intense emotional attraction with a corresponding physical involvement between two people, in the great majority of instances a man and a woman. The term's use is often extended beyond personal relationships to include a strong partiality to an inanimate object like a food or a pastime, such as a sport or hobby. All this illustrates the perennial human tendency to degrade a sacred quality by frequent ill-considered usage. The sublime is closer to the ridiculous than many people would care to consider. Human love has a physical aspect that sets it apart from a very noble friendship. But then what are we to make of the farewell discourses ascribed to Jesus in chapters 13 to 16 of the Fourth Gospel? "I give you a new commandment: Love one another; as I have loved you, so you are to love one another. If there is love among you, then everyone will know that you are my disciples" (John 13:34-35). This is a typical example of what Christian love should entail. Its depth should aspire to the profundity of John 15:13, "There is no greater love than this, that someone should lay down his life for his friends." This is the supreme apotheosis of friendship, reaching the utmost height of self-dedication, but the less intense love seen in usual human relationships has a strongly physical aspect, especially when the couple are young. In older people the balance may slant more towards emotional warmth as the physical activity wanes.

The most famous writing on love is Chapter 13 of St Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. One could quite easily devote the whole of this chapter to an analysis of the various points he makes, but to me three aspects are particularly outstanding. In the first three sentences he sees that love is greater than any language, whether of men or of angels, that it surpasses the gift of prophecy, the knowledge of truth and even sufficient faith to move mountains. Finally, even giving all one possesses to the poor to the extent of giving one's very body to be burned, is useless if there is no love behind it. This is a particularly extreme statement because even so-called charity on a large scale is useless if it is not given with a loving heart. We speak sometimes of a person being as cold as charity for a very good reason; they give with the condescension which comes from a person who is both grudging and feels superior to poorer people.

The next important point is that love will never come to an end; prophecies may cease, tongues of ecstasy fall silent and knowledge itself fall silent, but love will remain until the end of time. The final point follows on this observation, knowledge grows. "When I was a child I spoke like a child, thought like a child, reasoned like a child; but when I grew up I finished with childish things. At present we see only puzzling reflections in a mirror, but one day we shall see face to face. My knowledge now is partial; then it will be whole, like God's knowledge of me" (1 Corinthians 13:11.12). From this we can deduce that when we really love a person we know that person and, as I mentioned in Chapter 3, this requires self-knowledge also. Here we see the great difference between desire and love. The two are frequently and mistakenly equated, but in fact they are very different indeed. Love gives of itself to the other, whereas desire wants for itself. In terms of sexual activity love culminates in joyful self-giving, whereas desire moves insidiously into lust and even rape.

Our age is one in which such values are not merely disregarded but are frequently derided. It would be far better if people could learn the wise practice of self-control; the current counsel is, however, that we should not repress our feelings; this is wise as long as we are educated in social behaviour. One certainly should not repress any feelings in oneself in so far as one dare not face their private acknowledgement, but the advisability of their public expression is very much governed by the common good. We may have whatever views we like about the desirability of different types of sexual activity, but it is always essential that children and those who are defenceless through mental illness should be protected against predators or being taken advantage of by the Don Juan type of individual. In the end the child has to make up their own mind and live according to their own proclivities; a person's sexual preference is very much their own business and should be private and sacred to them.

There is certainly a proper way of sexual behaviour: chastity or else a faithful marriage should be the choice open to the responsible type of individual, but in such a fluid society as that of the present time it is far wiser to remain silent and listen to other points of view than to sit on a self-appointed throne and dole out morality to those whom one considers weaker brethren. Judgement is pleasant when we can assume the role of prosecuting counsel but less so when we are the defendant. At present there is a powerful school of thought that sexual experience should be mandatory before the couple are married, and there is obviously much sense in this view. I have known a number of instances when the husband has been impotent from the nuptial night and remained so subsequently. In these cases the wife has tolerated the situation bitterly, and many such wives would have arranged a separation forthwith. Indeed, I doubt whether a contemporary couple would allow the situation to drag on at all; the instances I quoted were married many years ago, and the wife was fond of her impotent husband as well as flinching from divorce proceedings.

Yet there is more to marriage that mere sexual satisfaction, which after all can be obtained quite as easily (and far less expensively) in a casual or temporary way. The extra dimension of a real marriage is love. This is the basis of stability as well as the permanency of marriage. In The Tablet (a Roman Catholic weekly) an important article entitled "Sex is for life" appeared in the 2 May 1998 issue on page 542. The writer is Jack Dominian, an eminent psychiatrist and author of numerous books on marriage and sexuality. The gist of his article is that sexual intercourse arises out of a combination of a capacity to give and receive affection, coupled with physical sexual attraction. Unless there is a deep underlying love, there will be little likelihood of a marriage lasting very long. The love of which I write is founded basically on our relationship with our parents; this is our first experience of love, and the success of the sexual function depends on this love. A purely physical attraction often tends to diminish in the course of time, especially in women, but in a real marriage the underlying love remains unbowed; it flows out to the children, who perpetuate it in their own lives. The great majority of sexual inadequacies in both men and women are of psychological origin.

I confess that as a natural celibate having no experience of this subject I am largely unqualified to write about it. Nevertheless my experience in counselling a considerable number of people, and more important my own life's experience, give me material that I feel is worth sharing. To me the great difference between a deep friendship and a marriage relationship lies in its permanency associated with living under one roof. Friends necessarily live according to the circumstances of life even when their close connection does not falter, but partners are bound spiritually, and in the case of husband and wife legally also, to one another. This is the real test of love. Will it survive the inevitable changes and chances of mortal existence for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, when there is disease or only in health, and indeed when the whole world seems to be falling apart in the lives of the two committed individuals? A friendship is not subject to this degree of intense testing. Sometimes it may grow quite dim because one of the friends may have work to do which keeps them apart from the other for quite a long time, but when they communicate again, perhaps before Christmas or some other festive occasion like a birthday celebration, the warmth is immediately restored and the people greet one another with the same degree of cordiality as they did at the beginning of their friendship.

Husband and wife do not have this convenient degree of latitude; they are bound together by ties of responsibility. If one is ill, it is not merely the duty but the deep concern of the other to afford assistance, so that health and security may be restored. Married life is not one in which the participants subsequently "live happily ever after". There is bound to be turmoil; this is not an indication of the superficiality of the relationship so much as the opportunity afforded to each partner to grow in self-knowledge and caring.

In a marriage relationship some discord is inevitable, because both partners have to "work out their own salvation with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12). Even if a relationship has of necessity to slacken, it is important that there is still an underlying feeling of fondness and concern. This is the basic responsibility of marriage, that the partners stick together despite even major disagreements. The value of this is obvious in that it teaches us to realize that there are other points of view besides our own, and that often the wisest way is silence and listening rather than laying down our own law according to a moral precept which is very much in keeping with our own situation. Morality is always pleasant when you are on the right side, but less so when others cite conflicting views. The great lesson learnt from marriage is tolerance, and it is for this reason that I dislike divorce, unless the situation is so unacceptable that separation becomes inevitable.

The essential corollary of marital responsibility is self-control. In practice, however, each of the couple is liable to have "affairs", but experience has taught me, the outsider, that it is far better if the two can face their frailty and decide to live together rather than to separate indefinitely. In this statement there is a clear difference between terminating a friendship and ending a marriage. The legal and spiritual requirements of marriage are not easily revoked, and very often children are also involved. Their education and happiness should be a burning issue that drives husband and wife closer together, even if there may be many points of disagreement between them in their relationship. One does not need to have a physical relationship in order to fulfil a marriage, but such a relationship is extremely desirable apart from the satisfaction it affords both partners; its ultimate consummation is the birth of a new soul into the world.

An abortion is in my opinion highly undesirable unless there are the strongest medical grounds for the termination of the pregnancy. My own mother, a remarkably beautiful woman, had an abortion in the early 1920's for purely social reasons. She soon suffered, as do the great majority of women who have had abortions, on an emotional and spiritual level. A very severe depression followed this frivolous abortion, and when I was born (a boy like the aborted foetus), my mother was much more neurotic than she had been before this destructive act had been performed. I suffered severely through her neurotic temperament; although I have no doubt that she loved me intensely, she could not control her fiery, unpredictable temper and screamed on the most trivial occasions. She also had terrible rows with her relatives, which often ended in a complete break in relationships that on occasion lasted many years. This resulted in my becoming distanced from my cousins at the same time. As an only child my loneliness was very considerable. Our African servants (I spent the first 24 years of my life in South Africa) suffered particularly from her ill humour.

As a counsellor, I am not infrequently confronted with a situation of a man or woman, perhaps already married for a number of years, who has met the woman or man who really understands them. They still love their spouse in their own particular way, but it is the new star who lightens up their life and gives him or her a real reason for living. What is to be done? My own experience, completely free of prejudice, has taught me that in the majority of cases the marriage should be sustained, but there are instances where the couple drift so inexorably apart that a separation is inevitable.

Married life is not simply a journey for two people on a pleasant steamboat; it is one in which both of them are required to develop their own personalities with their accompanying talents. True love does not require uniformity; indeed, such a situation can lead to stagnation and intolerance of others who have other points of view. Love, in other words, has its inevitable ups and downs. This is a somewhat circuitous way of saying that we are most real when we forget ourselves and give of what we are to others. Then at last do we become real people. "Whoever gains his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for my sake will gain it" (Matthew 10:39).

This rather obscure statement, which is the key to so much of Jesus' teaching, depends on the higher understanding of life. The life of the unreflective person, which is centred on themself and their own desires, has inevitably to come to its end with the processes of ageing, disease and finally death itself. On the other hand, the spiritually illuminated individual who has seen the futile pettiness of life as it is generally lived and knows something of the nature of the soul where Christ is recognized, begins to experience a new dimension of living in which the ego, or personality, becomes the servant rather than assuming its usual role as master. The serving self is identical to the soul and indeed can never be destroyed. The fortunate ones among us have at least glimpsed this truth and at once their lives become implicit with meaning, as I learnt in my recent near-death experience. It is on this level that loving relationships have a permanency that will outlast the trends of the times.

Life is our most precious gift, and on it the destiny of the human race depends. No life is without its usefulness, the tragedy being that some people use their lives well while others squander them on trivialities and vices. It is at this level that religion will always play a vital role, not only in the progress of our species but also in its survival. We consider this in greater detail in Chapter 7.

two people destined to carry out God's will in providing descendants for the people of Israel (Genesis 24). Abraham's wife, Sarah, had died some little time before, and under no condition did he want Isaac to marry into the local community. He therefore ordered his servant to return to his family who lived in Upper Mesopotamia in order to find a suitable wife for his son. When the servant reached his destination he saw some women from the town going to a spring to collect water. An inner urge made him pray directly to God that his mission would be successful and that the right woman would manifest herself.

He said, "I would say to the girl, please lower your jar so that I may drink, and if she answers, "Drink and I shall water your camels also", let that be the girl whom you intend for your servant Isaac. In this way, I shall know that you have kept faith with my master."

Before he had finished praying he saw Rebecca coming out with her water-jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Abraham's brother Nahor. The girl was very beautiful and a virgin. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again. Abraham's servant hurried to meet her and said, "Will you give me a little water from your jar?" "Please drink, sir," she answered, and at once lowered her jar on to her hand to let him drink. When she had finished giving him a drink, she said, "I shall draw water for your camels also until they have had enough." She quickly emptied her jar into the water trough, and then hurrying again to the well she drew water and watered all the camels.

The man was watching quietly to see whether the Lord had made his journey successful, and when the camels had finished drinking, he took a gold nose ring, and two bracelets for her wrists. "Tell me, please, whose daughter you are", he said. "Is there room in your father's house for us to spend the night?"

She recounted her immediate ancestry, and also said that there was plenty of straw and fodder and also room for him to spend the night. So the man bowed down and prostrated himself before God.

The girl ran to her mother's house and told them what had happened. Rebecca had a brother named Laban who, after seeing the nose ring and the bracelets on his sister's wrists and hearing her account of what had been said to her, hurried out to the spring. When he arrived he found the man still standing by the camels.

He promptly invited him in with the camels, but he would not eat until he had delivered his message. He recounted Abraham's great wealth with many animals, and also his assignation to find a wife for his son from his own family's descendants and not from the women of the Canaanites in whose land he was at present living. Abraham had promised that the Lord would send an angel to make his journey successful, but if the woman refused to leave her family the servant would be released from the charge that had been laid upon him by Abraham. Also if he came to the family and they refused to give her to him, the servant would likewise be released from the charge.

The servant recounted his meeting with Rebecca and asked quite frankly whether the family meant to deal loyally and faithfully with Isaac. If not, they should say so and he would turn elsewhere.

Laban and Bethuel replied, "Since this is from the Lord, we can say nothing for or against it. Here is Rebecca, take her and go, she shall be the wife of your master's son, as the Lord has decreed." When Abraham's servant heard what they said, he prostrated himself on the ground before the Lord. Then he brought out silver and gold ornaments and articles of clothing, and gave them to Rebecca, and he gave costly gifts to her brother and her mother. Only then did he and his men eat and drink and spend the night there. When they rose in the morning Abraham's servant said, "Give me leave to return to my master." Rebecca's brother and her mother replied that the girl should stay with them for a few days and then go, but he said, "Do not detain me, for it is the Lord who has granted me success. Give me leave to go back to my master." The family decided that Rebecca herself should be asked and she answered, "Yes, I will go." So they let their sister Rebecca and her maid go with Abraham's servant and his men. They blessed Rebecca and said to her: "You are our sister, may you be the mother of many children; may your sons possess the cities of your enemies." Rebecca and her companions mounted their camels to follow the man, and so the servant took Rebecca and set out.

Isaac meanwhile had moved on as far as Beer-Lahai-Roi and was living in the Negeb. One evening when he had gone out into the open country hoping to meet them, he looked and saw camels approaching. When Rebecca saw Isaac, she dismounted from her camel, saying to the servant, "Who is that man walking across the open country towards us?" When the servant answered, "It is my master", she took her veil and covered herself. The servant related to Isaac all that had happened. Isaac conducted her into the tent and took her as his wife. So she became his wife and he loved her, and was consoled for the death of his mother Sarah.

In the great triad of Israelite patriarchs Isaac stands between Abraham and Jacob. He is the least colourful of the three in his actions, but he provided an essential link in the chain that led to the history of the chosen people and from them to Jesus himself.

Society has always had its marginalized people. These have at various times included women, Jews, gypsies, "foreigners" but above all those with homosexual tendencies, nowadays called "gay". One remembers with sadness the terrible persecution that Oscar Wilde had to bear at the end of the nineteenth century. Now, a hundred years later, a kinder and much more informed attitude has developed in relation to male homosexuality - female homosexuality (lesbianism), though frowned on, has never been a criminal offence as was the male variety until about thirty years ago. Union with one's own sex is obviously not the most common form of love, but I doubt whether it is anybody else's business to pry into the sexual lives of their fellows. That there is a decidedly acceptable aspect of male homosexuality has become obvious to previous detractors by the marvellous devotion shown to many AIDS victims by their life partners. A devotion of this depth deserves to be called "love", and in as much as all love is of God, homosexual love has its divine nature also. The public at large has learnt to accept homosexuality as a variation rather than merely an aberration, and this in my opinion is as it ought to be. One's own private prejudices are as sacred as one's sexuality, and I personally would not want to convert anybody to my particular views. As I have written on more than one occasion elsewhere, we become most authentic as people when we forget ourselves entirely and do the work at hand as well as we can. My own view is that the great majority of gay people are born that way from the time of conception; it is part of their destiny, another matter which is discussed in Chapter 10.

A celibate is a person who has always been single or who has deliberately embraced singleness. This may be through some physical inadequacy or be as natural as marriage or homosexual union. I certainly was born celibate and I knew this at a very early age. Can a celibate love? Celibacy certainly may be the precursor of monumental selfishness but it is also the way to supreme self-giving. The two greatest religious geniuses who have inspired humanity, Gautama and Jesus, did their spiritual work in a celibate state, Jesus, as far as we know, from the time of his birth, and Gautama when he knew that he had to find enlightenment.

Natural celibacy is undoubtedly a grace, even if the loneliness that is a part of its burden may be hard to bear in a world of garish exhibitionism. It certainly makes for a solitary type of existence, especially in one who does not make friends easily. Indeed, only in my later years have I acquired a circle of loving people whom I really can consider my friends. But I have gained something far greater: the capacity to bear loneliness and to appreciate my own company without in any way feeling different from others.

Life is basically an experience of loneliness. Even those who are happily married have to face the ultimate challenge of ageing, the death of their partner, and the growth of their children into mature adults who have their own lives to lead and their own families to care for. The right way is that older members should be placed under the protective family wing, and in any loving family this protective function would be assumed. It is unfortunate when people who are old have to be lodged in a residential home, but circumstances may make this inevitable.

It is little wonder that I do not regard my basic loneliness, which has been so well borne, with bitterness but rather with increasing gratitude. The natural habitat for people of my temperament is a monastic order, and I have the highest regard for these institutions, irrespective of their religious affiliation. But there are some, like myself, who do not fit well into any community because of our individualistic tendency. Being a member of no community, I am a world citizen and have, at least so far, survived very well in this climate. No one knows what the future holds for any of us, but the near-death experience which I have described has shown me it is how we live our lives in the present that matters in the relatively short time that we have left on this earth. It is for this reason that I abstain from judging the way of life of other people, provided it does not interfere with the public good.

Celibacy has positive advantages apart from what I have already described. While its danger is self-centredness, its advantage lies in a life that can be devoted fully to the concern of one's fellow creatures. If one leads the sort of life that I have described in Chapter 2 with regard to my work of healing and counselling, one enters unobtrusively into the lives of many other people in a way that is not interfering or dominating. I know very few people like this who have attained what I would call true celibate status. In my experience, the most dangerous individual is one who is "good" and really does mean well; compared with such a person, the out-and-out rogue is small beer. The rogue is obvious and causes only limited damage, whereas the good person cannot avoid interfering with the lives of many others, naturally, for their own good! Of course, this is a pure illusion, but the amount of anger and disturbance they can occasion is immense. A celibate would be very unlikely to work in this ignorant, self-assured fashion for they would know through their own sensitivity how to respect the privacy of other people. This, I believe, is the heart of celibacy, being so self-possessed that one can give freely of oneself to others without looking for rewards. If one has a family, one's allegiance must naturally be devoted to one's own; after all, this is the whole point of family life. If, on the other hand, one owns nothing other than one's immediate possessions, which are unlikely to be excessive, one can really spend one's time profitably in helping a large number of people. I doubt whether my life would have been any more profitable or happier had I been married.

Ending on a psychological note, it was obvious from the very beginning that I would never marry because of my dysfunctional family - I have already discussed my mother's temperament. My father was kind but worldly and unimaginative, and I had no siblings. I could hardly avoid having a lack of confidence with its concurrent low self-esteem, but as I describe further in Chapter 1o, I believe this was my destiny from the very time of my conception. I am well aware of the psychoanalytic theories of Freud and his numerous successors. My final conclusion is that one is wise to study them; and take much of what they contain with a grain of salt. Such theories as sublimation (the Freudian concept of transforming our weaknesses into alternative means of strength or else products of art or culture) and the Adlerian idea of simple compensation (weaknesses acting as a stimulus for later unusual individual development) are inadequate to account for the unique aspects of individual character. Jung's theories are more acceptable because they give due regard to supra-rational factors in personality development.

I vow to thee, my country - all earthly things above Entire and whole and perfect, the service of my love. (Sir Cecil Arthur Spring-Rice (1858-1918), "The Last Poem" )

These well-known lines remind us that love is more than merely personal but involves large numbers of people, particularly those who live in our own particular country. This love of one's native land is called patriotism and is exalted not only in magnificent poetry but by the way many young lives have been spent and lost in its defence. The two World Wars of the twentieth century have illustrated this in no uncertain way. But as great empires have fallen and their constituent parts have emerged as separate countries, so patriotism should become more universal. When a country emerges into independence the feeling of its inhabitants is one of nationalism. If one studies the history of the unification of Italy and Germany in the nineteenth century, one notices that as separate states united to form a great country so there was a liberalization of policy and a mighty force emerged. In the case of Germany it was the Prussian state that ultimately took control. Patriotism is certainly a fine quality provided it is contained in an admiration and concern for other countries also. Unfortunately as the World Wars already alluded to have shown, patriotism can move beyond concern for one's own country to a lust to dominate others as well. Thus nationalism is an essential precursor of patriotism but while it remains dominant, patriotism is never perfect.

I think particularly of my native country South Africa. Cape Town was colonized originally in the seventeenth century by the Dutch, but at the end of the eighteenth and throughout the nineteenth centuries the British took possession of the Cape Province and Natal. The Afrikaners, the descendants of the original Dutch people as they were then called, pioneered inwards - they were the "voortrekkers" into what was to become the two other provinces of South Africa, the Orange Free State and the Transvaal. Towards the end of the nineteenth century gold was discovered in the southern Transvaal; the Witwatersrand including Johannesburg was founded in 1886, and it was inevitable that the British would cast their eyes on this possession also. This occurred at the very height of the British Empire. Now at last South Africa was part of that empire and bitter hatred developed between the Afrikaner boer (farmer) and the British invader. Meanwhile both sides treated the black inhabitants, who were there long before the white invasion, quite literally like dirt. They were of course of great value, particularly in the goldmines. The present history is illuminating. Shortly after the end of the Second World War the Afrikaner Nationalist Party gained ascendancy and maintained it. In the 1950's they introduced the system of "apartheid" which meant a complete separation of black and white communities, with severe penal measures against anyone who contravened this draconian law.

I spent the first 24 years of my life in South Africa where I studied medicine, coming to England only in 1951. I came here to acquire higher medical degrees, having received my basic medical training in South Africa. It was while I was doing National Service that apartheid was instituted. Looking on then, as a British citizen and therefore essentially an observer, I could see only too clearly what was in store for this beautiful yet horribly misguided country. The gross injustice of apartheid inflamed world opinion as well as that of more sensitive, decent white South Africans, and in due course the long-exiled (27 years imprisoned) Nelson Mandela was brought back from Robben Island (near Cape Town), and made president of a country that truly represented the needs of the great majority of the population, who obviously were black and coloured people. But what I expected was a subsequent bloodbath; that this has not so far come about is a great tribute to the Christian qualities of the new leaders of South Africa. One thinks here especially (in addition to Mandela) of Archbishop Desmond Tutu, the Anglican Primate of the country and Bishop Trevor Huddleston, an Anglican religious from Mirfield in Yorkshire, who earlier on fought passionately for black African rights and died in lgg8. There is unfortunately a prevalence of violent crime at the moment, but this could hardly be avoided as part of the teething problems of a young emerging country.

It is obvious that love has allowed this amazing sequence of events, in my opinion a miracle, to take place, and we all pray that peace may continue in this way and a society may emerge in which black and white may come together in friendship and co-operation. Certainly, the absence of an outbreak of revenge on the part of the black and coloured population is quite remarkable.

The last matter concerning love is involved in the human will, which is the capacity to bring to fulfilment the desire of the heart. This is more than something that is forced on us, but rather the activity of the true Self or soul. It is active in all of us, though it makes itself known in only a few. The saying "God helps those who help themselves" has a degree of truth; it is the soul that makes the activity of God open to us, and it is that soul also which has made the great religions of the world survive, despite the horrifying cruelty committed in their name by some of their votaries. I suspect, however, that the devil himself has had his part to play in our growth to maturity, for he too is a member of the court of heaven, as we read in Job 1:6 where he is described as the Adversary, Satan. This is, of course, merely an allegory, but it tells us that evil itself, in a way that we dare hardly consider at the moment, has its part to play in humanity's growth to its fullness. This is something of the history of Christ himself, the mystery of mysteries. There would have been no resurrection without the prior crucifixion. Not only was the Lord killed but the disciples were shriven of all their illusions. Only a little while before, James and John, Zebedee's sons, had desired special seats at the heavenly table (Matthew 20:20-23).

I feel the last word on love should go to Shakespeare; he says such delightful things about it in Sonnet 141:

In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
for they in thee a thousand errors note;
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who, in despite of view, is pleased to dote.
Nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted;
Nor tender feeling to base touches prone,
Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone:
But my five wits nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unswayed the likeness of a man,
Thy proud heart's slave and vassal wretch to be:
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.